October 22, 2014 update: Yes, this is from LiveJournal before
Putin embraced democracy and hell froze over someone suggested WordPress….
One of the things I got for Xmas was a Quote-A-Day tear-off block. Y’know, one of these things with a quote for each day that you tear a page off daily. I was going to use the best ones as a starting point for regular entries (ha!) in this extremely popular journal (ho ho!) but seeing as that plan has gone downhill faster than ITV’s profits, I’ll just give you some of the best for your amusement. This list may be added to as the year progresses, so bookmark it or summat if you’re remotely interested. OK – here we go:
“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of paintings by Picasso.” – Rita Rudner
“Know yourself. Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” – Ann Landers
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” – Henry Youngman
“Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.” – Aaron Levenstein
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.” – Franklin Jones
“Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.” – Doug Larson
“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres
…and my favourite: “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” – Ernest Hemingway
And why is it sports-people tend to get it particularly wrong?
“She hasn’t run faster than herself.” – Zola Budd
“It’s quite clear that Virginia Wade is thriving on the pressure now that the pressure on her to do well is off.” – Harry Carpenter
“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” – Greg Norman
“Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.” – Ron Atkinson
“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” – Terry Venables
David Coleman deserves a section to himself, such was his commentating genius:
“And here’s Moses Kiptanui – the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago.”
“That’s the fastest time ever run – but it’s not as fast as the world record.”
“Ingrid Kristiansen then has smashed the world record, running the 5000 metres in 14:58:89. Truly amazing. Incidentally, this is a personal best for Ingrid Kristiansen.”
More to come….