Comedy

Quote-A-Day: End-Of-Year Round-Up

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October 24, 2014 update: That 2006 Quote-A-Day desk calendar provided plenty of mileage. Another post from the old LiveJournal blog before that pesky wormhole opened up again I decided to switch.

The Quote-A-Day desk calendar is coming to an end so here’s a final selection for your amusement. This time, there’s just a lone entry from one of the many sportsmen and women who inadvertently bring much mirth to our lives. Enjoy.

“We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised.” – Ian McNail
“There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed.” – Peter Sellers
“Just when you think you have hit rock bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.” – Anonymous
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” – Peter Ustinov
“Marriage is a wonderful invention, but then again so is a bicycle repair kit.” – Billy Connolly
“Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.” – Miss Piggy
“Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.” Albert Camus (so true, especially if you’re studying Camus….)
“We’re not lost. We’re locationally challenged.” – John Ford.

And finally, one to carry with you into the New Year and beyond:
“If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.” – Quentin Crisp

Happy holidays!

Comedy

Quote-A-Day: Sports Day Special

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October 24, 2014 update: Yes, another taken and shortened from the old Russian invasion LiveJournal archive.

What is it with sports commentators? Is it the excitement of the big event that makes them commit linguistic crimes? Or are they chosen for their verbal incompetence? Regardless, here’s another dose of their unique vocabulary.

First up, David Coleman…
“The late start is due to the time.”
“We estimate, and this isn’t an estimation, that Greta Waitz is 80 second behind.”
“It’s a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs.”
(…and it’s obviously an advantage to your career if you can fit both feet in your mouth.)

And this from Murray Walker…
“Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansell – call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers.”
“The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.”
“We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite.”
(Murray, why make following a simple sport like F1 very straight-forward when you could make it almost impenetrable?)

And from boxing…
“We haven’t had any more rain since it stopped raining.” – Harry Carpenter
“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious.” – Alan Minter
“I was in a no-win situation, so I’m glad that I won rather than lost.” – Frank Bruno

And the rest…
“We didn’t underestimate them, they were just a lot better than we thought.” – Bobby Robson (after England played Cameroon in the 1990 World Cup)
“Like a falling oak, David Seaman manages to change direction at the last minute.” – John Motson
“Mary Decker Slaney, the world’s greatest front runner. I shouldn’t be surprised to see her at the front.” – Ron Pickering
(She certainly wasn’t at the front during the 3000m race at the 1984 Olympics. Zola Budd made sure of that….)

There’ll be another selection soon….

Comedy

Quote-A-Day Part II

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October 20, 2014 update: Ah yes, the 2006 World Cup. Hmm. Moving on…. That desk calendar was quite something. LiveJournal again before the world imploded I left.

In anticipation of what could be either a glorious or an abysmal performance on England’s behalf, let’s have some more amusing quotes to put a smile on our collective faces. So let’s kick off with the inimitable wordsmiths that are sports commentators:

“He dribbles a lot and the opposition don’t like it – you can see it all over their faces.”  – “Big Ron” Atkinson
“There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20000 people.” – David Coleman
“Chip Hooper is such a big man that it is sometimes difficult to see where he is on the court.” – Mark Cox
“The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball.” – John Francombe

And the rest:
“Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.” – Groucho Marx
“It was such a lovely day I thought it’s a pity to get up.” – W. Somerset Maugham
“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.” – Ernest Hemingway
“Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.” – Ogden Nash.

Comedy

Quote-A-Day

Quote | Posted on by 80sTW

October 22, 2014 update: Yes, this is from LiveJournal before Putin embraced democracy and hell froze over someone suggested WordPress….

One of the things I got for Xmas was a Quote-A-Day tear-off block. Y’know, one of these things with a quote for each day that you tear a page off daily. I was going to use the best ones as a starting point for regular entries (ha!) in this extremely popular journal (ho ho!) but seeing as that plan has gone downhill faster than ITV’s profits, I’ll just give you some of the best for your amusement. This list may be added to as the year progresses, so bookmark it or summat if you’re remotely interested. OK – here we go:

“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of paintings by Picasso.” – Rita Rudner
“Know yourself. Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” – Ann Landers
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” – Henry Youngman
“Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.” – Aaron Levenstein
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.” – Franklin Jones
“Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.” – Doug Larson
“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres
…and my favourite: “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” – Ernest Hemingway

And why is it sports-people tend to get it particularly wrong?

“She hasn’t run faster than herself.” – Zola Budd
“It’s quite clear that Virginia Wade is thriving on the pressure now that the pressure on her to do well is off.” – Harry Carpenter
“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” – Greg Norman
“Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.” – Ron Atkinson
“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” – Terry Venables

David Coleman deserves a section to himself, such was his commentating genius:
“And here’s Moses Kiptanui – the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago.”
“That’s the fastest time ever run – but it’s not as fast as the world record.”
“Ingrid Kristiansen then has smashed the world record, running the 5000 metres in 14:58:89. Truly amazing. Incidentally, this is a personal best for Ingrid Kristiansen.”

More to come….

Television

Surreal Experience #3

Aside | Posted on by 80sTW

October 22, 2014 update: So much of what’s mentioned below has gone. ATI’s All-In-Wonder TV card was phased out years ago and Nebula Electronics’ DigiTV card survives via unofficial support only. And The Bill left our screens on 31 August 2010, but the link below now leads to a YouTube channel with full episodes! Taken from LiveJournal before my spleen exploded I left it.

My analogue TV card is on the blink at the moment (the digital one is working well thankfully) and lets out a noisy buzz instead of the sound you would expect from the televisual material concerned. What to do? Well, slap on the subtitles and stick on some instrumental music in the background….which is how I found myself watching some bone-crunching action in The Bill and listening to the ambient and sublime Cathedral Oceans III by John Foxx at the same time. Reminds me of the time I was studying Music & The Moving Image and the lecturer showed the title sequence to Emmerdale Farm but played some Deep Purple as an accompaniment. Now that was weird….

Sorry

Hey, teacher, leave them kids alone!

Aside | Posted on by 80sTW

October 20, 2014 update: From another green world a previous blog on LiveJournal. The full gory details of the disciplinary hearings that took place in 2010 can be read here. And everyone knows what a MILF is by now, don’t they….?

Think you had it bad at school? Take pity on those taught by William Johan Fabel. Almost all the 14-18 year olds he taught between 1997 and 2002 have complained, as have their parents. He’s up on multiple code of conduct violations, but here are the top 10:

  1. He taught students that the Holocaust was an exaggeration.
  2. He told classes that he had installed cameras under all the girls’ desks so he could look up their skirts.
  3. On occasion, his reply to students’ answers was, “That is not what your mother said last night.”
  4. He asked a shy, quiet male student, “Are you going to be a serial killer?”
  5. He told students that Hitler was a genius because of his ability to get all the people into concentration camps.
  6. At the beginning of a parent-teacher interview, he asked a mother of two students, “Who do you want to talk about first? Dumb or Dumber?”
  7. Shortly after the Columbine shootings, he pretended to be a gunman and had his students cower under their desks.
  8. He remarked to a student that their mother was a MILF. (Don’t know what MILF means? I’m not going to tell you but this site will….)
  9. He would provide male students with pointers for “how to get into girls’ pants”.
  10. He told students that black people are still slaves.

What on earth was he thinking?! Then again, with lessons this controversial, I’m sure none of his students fell asleep in class….

Stupendously Bad Ideas #2

Posted on by 80sTW

Another one from the vault. I don’t think any TV reviewer will be losing any sleep….

Attempting to eat or drink anything at all whilst watching an episode of BBC2’s gory gynaecological drama Bodies. I can’t remember the last time I physically retched at something I saw on TV, but that show makes the operation scenes in Casualty or Holby City look tame by comparison. There seems to be at least one caesarian section or double laparoscopy per episode and by God don’t you know it. Does nobody have an uncomplicated natural birth on their ward?

I hear you asking, “So why do you watch it then, you of queasy stomach and squeamish nature?” Well, it’s well-written and morbidly gripping. No one seems to give a stuff about the patients as people – they are simply statistics or, well, bodies – but each death (and there are quite a few, especially at the hands of one incompentent so-called consultant) is treated as a financial disaster by clinical director and hospital manager alike. Everyone else has their own political agenda, so it’s difficult to like or dislike any of the characters completely. Still, it makes a change from the old hospital adage, “Don’t think of it as a dead patient – think of it as a free bed on the ward.” Charming.